LampreySoft InfoSpew - Sexually Arousing Office Suite

LampreySoft
Pioneering New Concepts in Productivity Software
© 1998 LampreySoft Technologies

LampreySoft InfoSpew
A fully-integrated sexually arousing office suite

The contemporary office... A Scenario

You are the manager of an office with a hundred employees. Perhaps it's a division of a successful Fortune 500 company, or perhaps it's a small independent business. The CEO of your company is due in any minute for a visit. The floors have been cleaned. Everything is in its place. You're confident that your staff can answer any of the CEO's questions. Your marketing department is in suits, looking great. The coffee's ready. The conference room has a slick presentation prepared. The CEO arrives on time, and leaves impressed. You walk back to your office and sit down.

Now it's back to reality for the rest of the month. Your receptionist will be spending more time speaking to potential dates than callers. Your marketing staff will be more interested in trading golf tips and tax evasion strategies than dealing with potential clients. Your accounting department spends three days perusing office supply catalogs in order to find a vendor that sells bulk pens for $0.02 less per gross, all the while earning $20-45/hour. Your company would be written up in glowing reviews if your customer service representatives were as creatively ingenious at their jobs as they are at spreading lies about each other. Your MIS department plays deathmatch Quake2 on the company network at all hours, to the detriment of their availability for any actual work. If it's any consolation, they're ranked nationally.

The problem here is focus - and LampreySoft InfoSpew can help!

InfoSpew is a complete office suite!

InfoSpew is a robust suite of applications.

InfoSpew Suite includes the WordSpew word processor, the DigiSpew spreadsheet, the SpewSpread presentation program, and the DataSpew SQL-based database.

InfoSpew Elite goes further. InfoSpew Elite also includes PixelSpew for photographic editing and design, the PageSpew publishing software, and the powerful SpewAgent - a personal information manager, web browser, e-mail client, and news reader.

InfoSpew SpewCash is available as an add-on for InfoSpew Suite or InfoSpew Elite. SpewCash is our award-winning accounting package with features not matched by any competing product.

InfoSpew is unlike any office suite you've ever used!

InfoSpew is designed with user focus in mind. With traditional office suites, productivity is lost as users get distracted by the typical diversions available in the office environment. With InfoSpew, you'll never have to wonder if your users spend as much time being productive with their software as they do playing solitaire. You won't have to fret about "leisure" web browsing. With InfoSpew, your users will be focused.

InfoSpew is a sexually arousing office suite!

InfoSpew uses several unique technologies:

Desire Profiling: Your users are individuals. InfoSpew is sensitive to this. When a new InfoSpew user account is created, InfoSpew presents a Desire Profiling Survey. The survey consists of a series of discrete, non-offensive questions. The results of the survey are compared with our database of surveys. After our database analyzes the results, we upload a profile file to your InfoSpew client. InfoSpew will then be armed with the knowledge of what does and does not interest your user sexually. InfoSpew is equally able to deal with average users as well as "extreme" users ranging from the severely sexually inhibited to jaded sex offenders.

GlanceSense: Our GlanceSense technology scans the eye movements of your users. GlanceSense determines that your user's attention has wandered away from productive work. When this occurs, GlanceSense will flash a sexually arousing image in the peripheral vision of the user. Consciously, your user won't be aware of the image, but it will register to the subconscious. Your users will find themselves focused on their work and able to devote their attention to productive tasks.

TimeSense: Every business environment has regular "lull" times. For many businesses that operate during normal business hours, 10:00-11:00am and 1:00-3:00pm are critical lull periods. InfoSpew can be adjusted to react to your typical lull periods. During this time, InfoSpew is less subtle, and GlanceSense operates in Critical mode. When GlanceSense is in Critical mode, any attention-grabbing images are displayed just long enough for the user to be consciously aware of them. In addition, users are rewarded by longer-duration images if their attention is especially focused on their work for long periods of time.

CommonSense: When InfoSpew is set up, the installation program queries you about the nature of your business. Armed with this information, our CommonSense productivity enhancement algorithms go to work. CommonSense knows your business and what it does. When users are involved in activities that aren't related to your business, be it writing personal letters, playing games, or managing their personal finances, CommonSense plays rough. CommonSense will inhibit GlanceSense from producing sexually arousing images and in their place unpleasant and disturbing images in their place. Your users who are misusing your computer resources will be paranoid, edgy, and uncomfortable about their misuse, and will be subconsciously compelled to avoid future misuse.

SoftSense: SoftSense is a highly proprietary technology, and as such can't be detailed here. Needless to say, it is a potent addition to InfoSpew, and is crucial in male-oriented office environments.

The contemporary office... A Scenario (continued)

You've installed InfoSpew across your enterprise, and you've had it in place for a month. It's a raging success! Your employees are focused and happy. In fact, they love their work so much that they frequently stay after-hours to work on company business without pay! Your receptionist is assisting the legal department by proofreading pleadings in her spare time. Your marketing staff make presentations so convincing that you have more customers than you know what to do with. Your accounting department has managed to find ways to cut your overhead by 15% without harassing your workforce. Your customer service representatives have all the information they need at their fingertips, and they practically fall over each other to update client information in the contact database. Your MIS department deleted Quake2 from the company networks, upgraded your business internet service to a faster, cheaper provider, and writes solid, dependable custom software for various in-house needs.

You can't afford not to order InfoSpew NOW! Contact LampreySoft for pricing information.